Toxic Love, Why do we hold on to it?

If you have not ever been in a bad relationship, consider yourself wise, self-aware and lucky!  For most everyone else, regardless of gender or orientation, love has hit at least one rocky road.  A relationship does not have to be abusive to be toxic.  Does your relationship control your life?  Does it predict your choices (of friends, food, jobs)?  Do you feel free to be your true self or must you censor your words and actions to avoid confrontation or disapproval?  Do you feel a sense of restlessness, avoidance or discomfort with the one you “love”?  If so, your intuition may be trying to tell you something.  Are you willing to listen? 

Why are we so avoidant of our own emotions?  Why do we cling to unhealthy love?

I absolutely believe in commitment, loyalty, monogamy and lasting love.  Most of us want forever after.  But, are we so afraid of not having it that we hold on to something we know is not right?  Unhealthy relationships can be exactly that; a better than nothing thing.  Many of us fear being alone.  We feel more socially acceptable and attractive as part of a duo.  Although, most of us have had the experience of the dysfunctional couple that we would rather avoid.  Also, unhealthy love might give us something we are not even aware of.  A woman I know always chose men who were not abusive in any way but they were lazy and somewhat inconsiderate.  Regardless of who she was seeing, she was doing 99% of the work.  She was tired!  She was a woman who was giving her all for her man and feeling unappreciated.  So why did she not demand change?  Why did she not leave?  Why, when single again, did she choose to enter into another relationship the same as before?  Part of it was habit.  Perhaps there were hidden issues of her place in life that could be psychoanalyzed or explored.  But an important part of the puzzle for this particular woman came down to what she gained. Her confidence and self-esteem were increased by feeling she had sacrificed.  She was a good person.  She had the complete support and sympathy of her friends.  And, should it come to an end, she definitely could say she was not at fault.  She had given everything.  The problem being, the positives she was gaining were countered with the frustration of her situation.  She felt good about herself at the same time that she felt unhappy with her situation.  Thus the end result of emptiness and another relationship that failed.  This is a gender neutral situation.  Both men and women might continuously choose a person who is wrong for them because they gain something at the same time that they lose.  Perhaps they gain a sense of superiority in being better/smarter/more organized.  Perhaps they can give themselves a pat on the back for enduring a difficult person that someone else might not have the patience for.  Or they take the blame off of themselves in the event of a breakup by choosing someone flawed enough that relationship failure is almost guaranteed.  Being honest about our own egos and insecurities can be a healthy  step towards finding a love that is balanced and secure.

Unhealthy love that is lack of Communication

Then there is the relationship that does have love.  Real, honest love with one big problem.  Mismatched communication skills or no communication at all.  Sometimes we bring our baggage and hurts from the past into the present so that when the one we love says something inane like, “I don’t like that couch there,” we hear something emotional such as, “I don’t like how you decorate.  I don’t like you moving my stuff.  I don’t agree with your perspective on the world.”  Small becomes huge.  We may  just have a different way of saying and hearing things.  Learning each other’s love language and communicating with honesty and compassion could make this relationship one that could actually be lasting. 

 

“Love is what we were born with.  Fear is what we learned here.”  Marianne Williamson

 

Ahh, love.

Romantic love, passionate love, parental love, sibling love, friendly love. . .  What has love got to do with it?  Everything.  What would our lives be without it?  When I was completing my life coach certification, we completed an exercise in which we had to anonymously write down our biggest fear and place it in a hat for our coach to read.  Sure, fear of financial instability, age, and instances of failure made the list.  But, overwhelmingly, paper after paper read with some version of “I fear having no one love me.”  Being unloved.  A particularly scary place to be.  After all, who do you go to when someone says something mean?  Obviously, someone who loves you who will, of course, reassure you that this person was absolutely wrong, rude, and completely out of line.  You are, after all, wonderful.  On Valentine’s Day, having a date is okay but having someone who loves you. . . infinitely better.  Why else do the on-line dating services do such good business?  Why else would someone be willing to list themselves in newspaper personals or have friends and family risk their pride and dignity with blind dates?  Why else would we sit around at holidays wanting the picture perfect, loving extended family of movies and gift cards?  Why do we get so foolish when we first hold that small little body in our arms and stare into its newborn face so full of innocence?  Love.  Love in all of its wonder, all of its comfort, all of its healing power.  And then there is the flip side.  The craziness, the loss, the frustration.  The pursuit of love so blind that we sometimes accept a false one or revert to a toddler trying to put a square peg in the triangle space.  Yet, at the end of the day or the end of a journey, love is what carries us through.  The ones we love are what we will remember.  We know it in our hearts and science has published studies trying to prove it: love makes us healthier, happier, stronger, kinder, and it might even add a few years to our lives.  The key is, it has to be healthy love.  The imitation just might stress you enough to take those years away.  So turn to your child and hug them.  It is a gift to be a parent.  It is the greatest journey.  Wrap your fingers around your partner’s and, for one day, forget about the dirty dishes in the sink or the time’s you are left waiting around, and just appreciate the one you love.  Call your mom or dad or grandparents and say “Thank you” for doing the best job they could at the time.  And love yourself by being self-accepting.  It isn’t selfish.  It’s essential!  It just may begin the process of finding the love you seek! 

 

“Where there is love, there is life.”  Gandhi 

 

What’s your Love Story?  

It can be romantic, maternal, paternal, or friendship.  What love changed your life?  What love got you through something challenging?

 

What says “I love you” to you?

• flowers
• words
• touch
• actions(such as running an errand for you, or helping around the house or with the kids)
• other

What makes you feel loved?  We all have our own love language(part of the reason why we may not always understand one another).  Your way of giving and receiving love could be very different from your partner’s or child’s.  So before you say, but he/she never gives me (fill in the blank). . .Really listen to your mate.  How do they express love?  How would they most want to receive it?  Is this person not giving love or not giving love as you need it?  What language speaks to you?

“Spread love everywhere you go: first of all in your own house.  Give love to your children, to your wife or husband, to a next door neighbor. . .Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier.  Be the living expression of God’s kindness; kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile, kindness in your warm greeting.”  Mother Theresa